Feelings

So, I’m 30 years old and I think I have some things figured out. It’s weird how you have a cycle be it work, friends, family, or relationships.

I understand that everyone has their own cycles though.

Essentially what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been listening to Ataris a lot lately. And I know what that means and I’m totally okay with it!

Thursday fun.

I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time it feels like. I know that I am going to achieve greatness. I won’t settle for less. The cloudy vision is finally gone and I’m ready to conquer the world.

World here’s your official notice. I will take you by the brown storm and leave you begging in my wake.

There was a time.

When everything was perfect. Life was good and everything was falling into place. Being in the 30s I thought I had it all under control finally. Then these curve balls come in and ruin everything. I am back to my old cynical hateful self. I wish I wasn’t but it is true.

I should have taken the advice of my friend and never done the things I did in the past.

I guess I have learned, I guess this was supposed to be a lesson to me. I love the complicated and deranged but I am not willing to lower myself to that level, but seriously.

Rock bottom is where I live now.

I have gone back to podcasting, playing music, and doing things that filled the void that I have inside of me to keep me thinking clearly and moving forward.

I am not giving up.

Its the reason why I came back to all my outlets. I had lost my creativity.

I am giving hope.

This is the reason.

I have a problem.

I can’t fall asleep sober. I can’t sleep before 4am. I can’t wake up before 2pm. I feel myself slipping into darkness. I need to stop this. I need to change things. I need an outlet again.

New tattoos update.

I am having my brah draw up a sweet new tattoo for me. 

It has inspirations taken from shiraseko and her heartwork, just that this is the exact opposite. Black raven, and red human heart. no shading, just filled in all red and black. with dark red around the base of the heart, and red on the beak of the raven.

I wanted to get it done today, but that is unlikely because I want the outlines to be full and detailed, but the insides to be flat.

I am stoked, I need to mark my life to this point.

I just pulled out 3k from my savings.

I am not pleased about this. New job needs to hurry the fuck up.

I thought you all should know.

I don’t drink as much and or as often as you may think. I drink like every other weekend. I use to drink almost every night looking for an adventure with some random people whom I met that night at the bar or on the street. I had a ton of fun.

I don’t know why I have changed my habits so drastically. For example I have a bottle of vodka and a case of PBR in the fridge and I have no desire for it.

Weekend Update.

It’s sunday morning still more or less. I’ve been up since 8:30 just laying in bed and texting all morning finally got out of bed and prepping for my day in the sun with some some friends on the rooftop pool and drinking. 

On Friday was my friends’ wedding and I am not a sappy individual at all, but lately I really think Kris (titsandsass) is right I might seriously be pregnant or something because I had to catch myself twice to avoid having saltwater emerge from my eye holes. They are two very close friends of mine. It felt good, everything was great except for the empty seat next to me. She makes everything “perfect” for me. 

I understand why my past relationships all failed miserably. It was just steps for me, nothing real nothing special. I just went through the motions society wanted me to go through. Years later, after much time. I can truly say that I am the place I want to be in almost all aspects of my life. Especially with love and work. It’s that weird, I have these butterflies in my stomach all the time when I talk to her.

I guess that wedding really put everything into perspective. I have always been so closed off. Always surrounded myself with people so I actually never felt the need for another person. The raging, the partying, the all out complete wreckless abandonment was always to protect myself from myself and others.

It feels really weird to think that I may actually be growing up. It only took 30 years to figure it out.

- I am pretty sure no one will read all these words.